The Intrigue
{Seven Muses}
Muse 1- It was once upon a time.
Muse 2- It was in a land far, far away.
Muse 3- It was where our lovers' crime,
Muse 4- Did come into play.
Muse 5- There was the place where reality ended.
Muse 6- And there was the place where fantasy began.
Muse 7- It was there where Heaven's glory descended.
Muse 2- And it was there where hell's creases ran.
Muse 3- Here is where our tale is breathed into life.
Muse 4- And here is where our story is given wings to flight.
Muse 5- Our characters' kind is like those in a lover's strife.
Muse 6- And of our characters are those bit by lovers' bite.
Muse 7- It is in a love where no one can win.
Muse 1- And so our story, it does begin...
Scene 1
[In the forest]
{Eitel}
Eitel- (Alone, Singing lightly)
Mantis- (Enters, Listens before speaking) Only angels have voices so sweet.
Eitel- (Stops and looks at Mantis)
Mantis- Please, do not stop. Your voice is enchanting.
Eitel- Is it?
Mantis- Why yes, miss. It is like that of a celestial chorus.
Eitel- My, you are a flattering creature.
Mantis- Honor only to where it is due. And, of you, it is certainly due.
Eitel- So, you honor me. How fun! I'm pleased... and I'm tired. I'm going to rest awhile, Human.
Mantis- What are you that you call me human? What kind of a creature, one as beautiful as you, sits in the middle of a forest, rather than in the folds of Heaven.
Eitel- I am Eitel. A faerie. I dwell among the trees of this forest because they are my home.
Mantis- Eitel. Even your name excites the bones within my body.
Eitel- You are taken with me?
Mantis- Taken with you? I'm overtaken!
Eitel- If so enamoured, then come with me. Leave what you know and lie with me in the fields. We will sit under the warm sun's glow, clothing ourselves in the field's grass and hiding in the shelter of the woods. We won't need to work or to care. We'll just rest the days away. Rest our way to the glories of Heaven.
Mantis- Is it that simple for you? To be able to spend the days in lazed bliss; without a single worry.
Eitel- It is for me.
Mantis- How do I follow?
Eitel- If only you yield yourself in a single lips' touch.
Mantis- Then allow me the embrace.
[They start to kiss, Lights down]
Mantis- (Laughs insanely for a moment, in darkness)
Scene 2
[At the town bar]
{Dilettante, Wanton, Saeculum, and Sagacious}
Wanton- So, Dilettante, I hear you and Amour are getting pretty close. How close are ya gett'n?!
Sagacious- Dilettante, Ignore him. The only true way to a woman's heart is by esteeming her higher than yourself.
Dilettante- If you two are so wise in the affairs of love then why are you both so alone.
Wanton- Alone! We're not alone! Why, We've got Each other. Anyway, those are harsh words coming from someone who only wishes to be as free as us. Right Sagacious?!
Sagacious- Being single, Wanton, is the only relationship where a person has more than one choice each night,
Saeculum- Well, I say, you stay single until you find someone worth changing for; then have some fun with her, dump her, and find someone else.
Dilettante- I hardly think Amour would respond well to that, Saeculum.
Saeculum- There are more fish than Amour.
Wanton- And I love to swim in the ocean!
Sagacious- Well, as everyone knows, there is only one key to true love. And that is just to-
Mantis- (Enters, in an insane rage, laughing hysterically, breathing harshly, and sickly looking) Come! Come with me! (Stumbles around bar) Come on everybody! Let's go into... into the forest. We lie- we can lie... lie in the forest. Sleep our days away. Rest our nights to day. (continues rambling about the simplicity of living in the forest)
Sagacious- Saeculum, What is going on with Mantis.
Saeculum- I've no idea, Sagacious!
Wanton- I'll tell you what's goin' on. The man is drunk on spirits.
Sagacious- No, Mantis hardly ever drinks even a sip.
Mantis- (screams out) No Worries! No Worries! She knows How to live! Life will be good! Only in the forest, though. We've got to go. Go to the forest.
Dilettante- He's not drunk he's crazed.
Saeculum- (trying to take hold of him) Mantis! Mantis! (slaps him) Snap out of it! Mantis!
Sagacious- What is going on?!
Mantis- (To himself, consciously) She's got me. The Siren is in the forest.
(Mantis falls, Dilettante catches him)
Mantis- (to Dilettante) Angels and Evil inhabit the same earth. (Mantis crouches into a fetal position, in pain he shrieks slightly before dying)
Sagacious- Oh my!
Scene 3
[In the home of Amour]
(Amour and Dilettante)
(There is a moment of awkward silence before either speak)
Amour- But do you have to go?
Dilettante- Yes, Amour. We're going into the forest to see what caused Mantis his insanity.
Amour- But that's not what killed him, he starved himself to death.
Dilettante- In my hands.
Amour- It wasn't your fault, and neither is it the fault of anyone else who was at the bar that night. While in the forest he ate nothing, Lord knows why, but that is the cause of his insanity. Not some "Evil" in the forest. Why can't the lot of you just leave it at that.
Dilettante- When he died in my arms, his last words were like a dying request. He wanted me- needed me to understand what he was saying. To understand why he died. And if going into the forest will help me do that, then I've got to go.
Amour- And what of me? If something happens to you in the forest you'll make me a widow before I was even wed.
Dilettante- Nothing will happen to me. What could stop my love for you.
Amour- (Joking, coy) So, you do still love me?
Dilettante- (Jokingly exaggerated) My love for you is deeper than the depths of the ocean, wider than the span of sky, greater than the highest mountain; I love you more than anything.
Amour- How could you resist. I don't believe you could be away from me for even a second.
Dilettante- Not even for a second.
Amour- Not for even a moment.
Dilettante- Not even for a moment.
Amour- And I should come, so that you don't miss me.
Dilettante- And you should come, so... Amour.
Amour- Yes, I should go to keep an eye on you.
Dilettante- But, Amour, it isn't safe.
Amour- And Father Cleric will come to keep me company while your off chasing that monster.
Dilettante- Amour, be serious. Mantis is dead. We've got to find out why, and whatever caused his death is in the forest. You're staying in town! Where it's safe.
Amour- Your not my husband yet. And I will do as I please, without your permission.
Dilettante- Then you must stay at camp with Father Cleric. I won't be with you all the time to protect you.
Amour- Then you should be careful; I won't always be around to protect you either.
Scene 4
[In the Faeries Grotto]
{All faeries}
Eitel- It was so amusing. The human just obeyed my every whim. He had no fear at all.
Avaritia- I wish I had some one to wait on me.
Pique- You deserve someone waiting on you Avaritia?!
Concupiscence- Calm yourself, Pique.
Plump- Eitel, did he have any food?
Eitel- No Plump. He had no food.
Malevolence- So, what did you do then?
Eitel- Malevolence, don't be jealous.
Vainglory- Does anyone want to hear what happened to me?
Pique- No!
Plump- I want to hear what happened to Vainglory.
Pique- You shut up and go eat something!
Concupiscence- Eitel, please finish your story.
Eitel- Well, he was so enamoured with me that I convinced him to kiss me.
(All turn to her surprised)
Malevolence- You got to kiss a human.
Eitel- Story telling is so tiring. I'm going to sleep now.
(Off to the side)
Malevolence- Vainglory, you're the most beautiful of us all.
Vainglory- Yes. I am.
Malevolence- Then why should Eitel, the laziest of us all, be the first to take a human?
Vainglory- You're right Malevolence I can get a human too. The creature won't even expect, for I'm more beautiful than anything on this earth.
Scene 6
[In the forest]
{All humans)
(Humans walk across stage as they travelling to the campsite, Saeculum is at the end of the line. He hears Vainglory singing and when stopping is separated from the group, who all exit)
Vainglory- (Enters) Human!
Saeculum- Who are you?
Vainglory- It doesn't matter. I have a question for you, human.
Saeculum- Yes?
Vainglory- Do you think I am beautiful.
Saeculum- I suppose.
Vainglory- You suppose?!
Saeculum- Well, yes. You are very enchanting.
Vainglory- Would you say that I'm the most beautiful damsel you've ever seen.
Saeculum- Ever.
Vainglory- Do you want me, human.
Saeculum- Yes, very much.
Vainglory- Then kiss me.
Saeculum- What?
Vainglory- Kiss me now, Human! You'll never have the chance again. (He quickly kisses her)
Saeculum- Who are you?
(lights down)
Vainglory- Why look, human, there's our reflection in that pond.
Saeculum- (dazed) Yes... I'm so beautiful. I must take a closer look at how wonderful my face is. I'm so handsome. Look at me... (a loud splash is heard before the scene ends).
Scene 7
[In the forest]
{All Humans except Saeculum}
(Humans walk opposite way across the stage with Wanton at the end of the line)
Dilettante- We're near the camp, it won't be long now.
Amour- That's good. My feet were growing tired.
Cleric- Remember that the Hebrews wandered the desert for forty years.
Sagacious- Father Cleric makes me grateful for such a short "long walk."
Wanton- My feet aren't that tired, most likely 'cause my stomach's been doing all the running. I'm so hungry I can smell the food. Are you hungry too, Saeculum. (When Saeculum doesn't respond, Wanton stops and turns becoming separated from the group) Saeculum? Oh. (Distracted) What is that wonderful smell. It smells of a feast. Saeculum, you dog. Trying to get to the food before me. Well, I won't let you eat it all yourself. (Sniffing the air he walks opposite the group until Plump pops out)
Plump- Hi!
Wanton- Ah! What... Who are you?
Plump- I'm called plump. I'm... I'm a faerie. I made a meal for you. You're my human. (To herself) Eitel's not the only one who gets to taste a human's lips!
Wanton- What?!
Plump- Nothing. I was just saying that I was hungry.
Wanton- I like you.
Plump- (Cutely embarrassed) Aw, gosh. That's sweet of you.
Wanton- I love pretty girls that know how to cook.
Plump- And I know how to eat, too!
Wanton- I can see. But that just means there's more to love about you.
Plump- Aw ( Her awing is cut off by taking out a chicken leg and biting into it)
Wanton- Whew, that's a woman.
Plump- (giggles)
Wanton- May I kiss you mademoiselle?
Plump- (Excitedly takes another bite and speaking between chews) I didn't even have to ask! Yes!
Wanton- (Grabs hold of her and tipping her gives a huge French kiss, but it is interrupted when Wanton quickly backs away in a fit, choking)
Plump- Hey! You're eating my Chicken! Let go a' my chicken! Grrr. (In a huff she stomps away)
(Wanton Struggling for air drops to the ground and dies)
Scene 8
[In the Faerie Grotto]
{All Faeries}
Vainglory- Yes. It is true. I also have taken a human. I seduced him into kissing me and then so engulfed in his own pride he looked into a pond. He was so taken by his own reflection he drowned trying to get it. Which serves him right for thinking that his reflection was more beautiful than mine. And it so much better a way of getting a human than that of Eitel's. I suppose I'm the greatest of all of you.
Pique- Shut up! I told you before, I hate your stories. (to herself) Always make yourself out to be the best. (to Vainglory) I don't like you Vainglory!
Vainglory- Well, I don't like you either Pique! You just hate being ugly!
Pique- Me, Ugly! I wouldn't open my mouth if I had a-
Plump- (bursts out) I kissed a human too!
(All fearies turn to her)
Plump- But he choked on my chicken wing.
Vainglory- (after a moment of silence) Well, My way of killing the human was better.
Eitel- But I was able to do it half asleep.
Plump- He didn't even ask before he took the chicken.
Malevolence- If I were to try, I could do just as good as all of you. I'm good too; I just need a chance.
Plump- But he did kiss without my even asking.
Pique- I hate all of you!
Avaritia- (Breaking in) Since everyone is so enamoured with killing humans, then we should make wagers. I wonder which of us has the most awe inspiring kiss of death. Let us see who can be most creative in this affair with the humans. And to that one goes the prize.
Concupiscence- I do love a good intrigue.
Scene 9
[At the camp]
{Amour and Cleric}
Amour- Father Cleric, I wasn't truly frightened until Saeculum and Wanton vanished.
Cleric- Most of the villagers thought Mantis' death was obscure and in itself, but now that two others have disappeared from the search party it makes me wonder also.
Amour- I'm also afraid for Dilettante and Sagacious; they're all alone searching for Saeculum and Wanton. Father Cleric, you don't believe that there's a monster out here, do you?
Cleric- Don't worry my dear. You must trust your heavenly father to protect you. If we should die, have peace that you will be in his arms, Amour. And as for right now, let us pray that Saeculum and Wanton are safe and that Dilettante and Sagacious will find them.
(As he's speaking Dilettante and Sagacious walk in quietly, Dilettante interrupts him before he begins praying)
Dilettante- You need not pray father, we have found them.
Sagacious- They are both dead. Saeculum has drowned and Saeculum looks to have choked. But be not so sad, remember that death is a freedom of its own.
Cleric- I will send prayer for their souls.
Dilettante- It's too late to save a soul, when it is already dead.
Amour- We've got to do something.
Sagacious- I'm afraid there is nothing we can do.
Dilettante- There is. We will sleep the night here, in the morning Cleric will take Amour back to the town, for it has grown too dangerous, while Sagacious and I search for this monster... and take vengeance on the death of those we loved.
Amour- I'm not going back to town without you Dilettante.
Dilettante- Amour, you are more stubborn than any woman I’ve ever met, but this time there will be no games. You will go back to town on tomorrow morn, for if you truly love me you will live.
Amour- And what if you die?
Dilettante- (Ignoring her question) All of you can get your rest now, I will take the first watch.
Scene 10
[In a Dream]
{Dilettante and Concupiscence}
(Dilettante while on guard begins to nod and slowly falls asleep after a moment of being asleep he wakes as if waking in a dream and sees Concupiscence at the other side of the stage, she begins to sing)
Concupiscence-
La la la la...
In this twilight, of this dark night
Hold fantasy, Feel ecstasy
Just want-to hear, just want-to feel
Just want-to know, just want-to flow
I can't resist, just have to touch
To hear you voice, is not enough
Now say my name, and hold me tight
If we start now, It'll last all night
It may be love, it may be lust
But if you want, then you must
Let fear die, free yourself
Don't need, anyone else
Free me... and let me be... your intrigue
(La la la...)
(Dilettante is overwhelmed with her singing, she slowly moves toward him, and tries to seduce him)
Concupiscence- Touch me. (Dilettante looks in bewilderment) Hold me. (Dilettante opens his mouth to speak, but can't find the words) I want you.
Dilettante- Who are you?
Concupiscence- (Breaths heavily, stares into his face)... Kiss me.
Dilettante- (at first apprehensive, he puts his arms around her and moves to kiss her)
(Before their lips touch Concupiscence pulls away and awkwardly stares at his face. She stretches her hand over his face, closing his eyes. She leaves before he opens them. He gives a look of wonder at where she had just stood- thinking it was a dream)
Amour- (voice- as if waking in the middle of the night, wandering where he is) Dilettante. (Lights dim to down)
Scene 11
[At camp, the next morning]
{Remaining Humans except Sagacious}
(A scream is heard-the lights come up with Amour looking in Sagacious' bed and the other two quickly getting up and coming to her. All are frantic)
Amour- He's gone! Sagacious is missing. He was here last night, and today he's gone! Where is everybody? Where are they? What's going on? Why are they all missing. (Pushing her head into Dilettante) Dilettante, I'm afraid.
Dilettante- It'll be okay, Amour. Cleric, Did you see- Did you hear anything?
Cleric- No, not a thing. Oh, Lord in Heaven, there's evil about us.
Dilettante- (becoming enraged) This is it, this is the last life that will be destroyed. I will not stand for it any more, I can no longer take it. It is time for vengeance. It is time to protect life. (turning to Cleric) Father Cleric, I want you to take Amour- as fast as you can leave the forest. Head back to the town. Take nothing. Do not look back-nor turn to either side. Go straight to town and warn the others. Then put Amour somewhere safe. Lock yourselves in the church, if need be. Leave at once.
(Cleric begins to leave, leading Amour, but she turns back and in tears yells)
Amour- Will you not come with us?!
Dilettante- (restraining) No, Amour. I must find Sagacious. I must find who has done this.
Amour- But I can't leave you. I refuse to lose you.
Dilettante- (averting his eyes from Amour he yells to Cleric) Father Cleric, It is time.
(Cleric takes hold of Amour and pulls her away, she begins screaming)
(The lights drop with the two groups separating, exiting opposite sides of the stage)
Scene 12
[In the forest]
{Dilettante}
Dilettante- (Searching, yelling) Sagacious! Sagacious! Where are you?
Concupiscence- (Coming out unexpectedly) Dilettante.
Dilettante- (he turns to her in surprise) Who are you? How do you know my name?
Concupiscence- I know many things.
Dilettante- (Not distracted from his mission) Then do you know where a man, who is called Sagacious, can be found.
Concupiscence- I have heard of him, I could take you to him. (She begins to lead him, he stops her)
Dilettante- (recognizing) Wait... You look very familiar. I feel like should know you, but I have no idea who you are.
Concupiscence- (Regretfully) What are you doing in the middle of this forest?
Dilettante- I didn't notice at first, I was distracted...
Concupiscence- I wish I didn't have to-
Dilettante- You are the woman who I dreamt about last night.
Concupiscence- But I must do what is my nature.
Dilettante- I had a dream about you last night. You sang a beautiful song.
Concupiscence- (Becomes forcefully lust-provoking) I did sing to you.
Dilettante- What are you?
Concupiscence- I am your dream. I am who you were meant to be with.
Dilettante- You're beautiful.
Concupiscence- I can fulfill your every desire. My body will be yours.
Dilettante- I can't. (To himself) Amour.
Concupiscence- What of Amour? Do you really want that innocent little girl, or me- who will give you anything- without prohibition, without fear. Do you want the most incredible time of your life.
Dilettante- (With apprehension) Yes... yes I do.
Concupiscence- (Wrapping her arms around him) Would you give it all up for that feeling inside.
Dilettante- Anything to feel love; loved.
(Concupiscence forcefully kisses him, him back; until he begins to crouch in pain)
Concupiscence- You would do anything... for lust. Human, you gave up love, being loved for... (She slowly backs away, turns and leaves)
Dilettante- (Crouching in agony) What have I done. I did love her. Amour. I'm so sorry, Amour. Amour. (Screaming) Amour!
(Dilettante continues to screams Amour's name with increasing desperation throughout the scene change. Lights down)
Scene 13
[In the forest/ Faeries Grotto]
{All faeries, Cleric, Amour}
(A spot comes up on Cleric and Amour, so the faeries are not seen. The two are walking together, Amour in tears. Dilettante is still screaming, but it has become faint. At hearing the scream, Amour begins to pull away from Cleric)
Amour- That's him. That's Dilettante.
Cleric- Amour, we must get back to town, where it is safe.
Amour- No, Father Cleric, I love him. (She pulls away from Cleric and runs off stage, Cleric stands stunned as the lights dim up, revealing the faeries; all of which are sitting- except Avaritia, who is standing, facing Cleric’s back. He slowly turns)
Avaritia- Father Cleric.
Cleric- (stands stunned at the sight of all the faeries) Who are you? All of you?
Avaritia- We are "faeries," or so we've been telling your human friends.
Pique- (to Avaritia) Tell him who we are. Tell him the truth.
Avaritia- You are the one they look to for hope, for faith? Do you not know who we are?
Cleric- (unsure in these surroundings) I'm not sure. I am the priest in the town. Who are you?
Avaritia- Have you not noticed the death that surrounds you. Do you think your monster to have sharp teeth, to be covered in fur... You forget that evil has the most tempting appearance.
Cleric- It was you?
Avaritia- We were thrown from Heaven for wanting too much.
Cleric- (not believing it himself) Thrown from Heaven? Like the spirits.
Avaritia- Demons, holding the power of seven deadly temptations.
Cleric- (In horror) What?
Avaritia- You should know them Father Cleric. (Indicating to each faerie's temptation) We are spirits provoking Idleness, which destroyed your first human; Pride, who led Saeculum to watery death; Gluttony, for Wanton's hunger; Anger caused Sagacious to kill himself in an angry fit; and lust has taken your friend, Dilettante...
Cleric- Dilettante?!...
Avaritia- There is only envy and me left. I am Avaritia, the spirit, greed.
Cleric- (Begining to back out, Avaritia grabs him. Fearfully) No! I am protected by my God! You can not touch me!
Avarita- Your God! I have better relationship with him than you do. You speak with high chin, and clean clothes; thinking yourself way above others, but your righteousness is as a dirty rag. You preached yourself, "Faith without works is dead." You are nothing but a greedy sinner with a nice outfit. You work for the church only for the money. You are advisor to Amour only in your lust for her. You look down on all your friends. Your god is that which you have stolen from the poor and ignorant. You have pretended so long, that you now forget what is real. The only one who could have saved you and your friends, you turned your back on.
Cleric- What do you mean?!
Avaritia- We no longer have the chance to be saved from our hell, but you do. Did. Your God reached his hand out to you and you humans slapped it away. You don't deserve to live.
Cleric- (In denial, covering his ears and screaming) No! They are lies. I am good... I've done good.
Avaritia- Even evil knows what is good. No matter when you die, no matter how you die... You will go to the same place. And you are not alone, you will be with all those you have misled.
Cleric- (he loses faith in everything, he looks to Avaritia) I don't deserve to live...
(The lights dim out)
Scene 14
[In the forest]
{Dilettante}
(The Lights come up very slowly, and remain partially dimmed. Dilettante lies dead for a long time, crying and heavy breathing is heard from offstage- growing louder as Amour approaches. She runs on stage, and sees him, stops and falls at his side and sobs with her face on his chest. After a few beats Malevolence enters, but remains upstage, watching.)
Amour- (Bringing her head up slightly) Dilettante... Why... Why did you have to come here?... (In a tearing rage she pushes on the body's shoulders) Why wouldn't you listen to me?! You should have went with Cleric and me... I loved you. You ruined it. Our happy marriage, the joy in living. I loved you... (She hugs the body, tightly)
Malevolence- (slowly comes forward, speaks softly) Amour.
Amour- (Confused, still crying) Who are you?
Malevolence- I'm your friend.
Amour- What?
Malevolence- I'm a traveler, who was with this man as he died- as he called out the name of his one true love.
Amour- Is that how you know my name?
(Concupiscence comes on stage, and stand upstage; looking with regret)
Malevolence- He had one request before he died...
Amour- What... What was the request?
Malevolence- (marked) He wanted a kiss from his Amour.
Amour- Then that is what he will receive. I love you, Dilettante...(She leans over and kisses him on the lips, where he had kissed Concupiscence; within a moment of kissing him she begins to feel the pain, and crouching over she looks up to Malevolence for help, but does not speak)
Malevolence- (cruel) Faith is wasted on you humans. Is there not one who can resist the evil that surrounds them. If only you knew what we lost- what you could gain. A love greater than any human could give...
Concupiscence- (to herself)...A love that we can no longer receive.
(Concupiscence turns and leaves slowly, Malevolence follows. The lights remain on for a few beats, begin to dim- stop dimming right before they are totally off. The audience can see Amour and Dilettante's bodies lying together, holding each other in death, before the lights resume dimming.
The End
JP Quay, 2002
---
Ghetto School
This is an unfinished piece, which was going to be used for my high school drama club at one point- until I was inspired to write something else and never got around to finishing this one- I might some day.
Set- An In-School Suspension Room
Teacher- (leading Bob in by the arm) No, you've done enough little mister. How long have you been going to this school? You konw all the rules. Attempting to shoot the principal because he interrupted a deal is just not good manners. You get one day ISS! So, you just sit here and think about what you've done. (leaving) Kids these days!
Bob- (After she has left) Well, Rad Bad Bob shows no mercy.
Eugene- (Already in the room) You shot the principal? Oh! This is SO cool- I'm in the same room as a murderer!
Bob- Well, I didn't actually shoot the Man, but I came this close, as far as I am from you and... BANG!
Eugene- (Jumping in surprise) Ah! (laughing) You had me going there for a minute. Thought you were going to pull the gun on me. Ha!
Bob- Well, Rad Bad Bob shows no mercy.
Eugene- Can I see your gun?
Bob- (Pulls it out) Meet Big Burtha.
Eugene- (Losing Excitment) ...That's a water-gun.
Bob- Rad Bad Bob shows no mercy.
Eugene- See, I thought you tried to shoot him with a real gun.
Bob- Well, Rad Bad Bob didn't get paid this week. My sales are low.
Eugene- Oh! What do you sell?
Bob- Ghetto candy.
Eugene- Really?! Do you have any Sweet Tarts? I love Sweet Tarts.
Bob- No, no. Rad Bad Bob sells Ghetto candy.
Eugene- How about some nerds? I like those too.
Bob- No, Ghetto candy.
Eugene- Jelly beans?
Bob- Rad Bad Bob's getting annoyed. So, Rad Bad Bob is changing the subject. What 'ya in for?
Eugene- (to himself) This is your big chance Eugene, if you play your cards right, you could be cool by tomorrow.
Bob- Rad Bad Bob thinks your crackin' up.
Eugene- Huh? Oh, no! I'm fine... really.
Bob- So, what's your sin?
Eugene- (Pauses before an obvious exageration) Well... See, I was making... making a bomb in the science room- when a teacher walked in. She told me I was in for some trouble!
Bob- Rad Bad Bob wants to know how she knew you were making a bomb?
Eugene- (Caught off gaurd)... One of my hostages told her... yeah. That's right- I had hostages. And the one got his muzzle off. That's how she knew to cmoe in that room... So, then she walked in and I didn't know what to do. I looked to the left and then to the right. And then I jumped out the window. But she took out a rope and lassoed me. And then the teacher put me in here.
Bob- Rad Bad Bob says that was a touching story. He's about to cry. But Rad Bad Bob wants to know the truth.
Eugene- The truth? You can't handle the truth!
Bob- Rad Bad Bob says... Try me.
Eugene- I kissed a teacher.
Bob- Rad Bad Bob knows you've cracked up.
Eugene- I had to, I had to confess my undeying love that unified our souls in one accord to be called to that eternal kinship of wedded bliss.
Bob- Rad Bad Bob wants to know what teacher?
Eugene- Miss. Omano
Bob- (out of cool) The one that looks like she died last week... and smells like it was last year?!
Eugene- But you don't see her the way I do.
Bob- Rad Bad Bob has a reason to live.
Eugene- This just makes me realize all the more how I want to be hers. I must go to her. I must embrace her again. Now, now is the moment of romance!!! (runs out)
Bob- (gives a curious look, then slumps over and slowly falls asleep- snoring.)
Teacher- (leading a goth, depressed girl and a popular, valley girl) You two better think things over. You two are respectable young ladies, how dare you act in such a manner. ISS for both of you!
Kat- (Deep and depressed) When you die I hope that-
Stacey- I'll never die you creepy-
Teacher- And stop fighting, or I'll get the hose again. Don't tempt me! (leaving) Kids today!
Bob- (Having woken up) Ladies. Rad Bad Bob wants to know what all the war's about, calm down. With me here there's love in the air.
Stacey- Oh, a guy. Hi. My name's Stacey, but for short you can call me Stacey. Like, So who are you?
Bob- Rad Bad Bob.
Kat- Did you come up with that all by yourself?
Bob- Yeah, I did. Isn't it cool?
Kat- What? You want a doggie treat now?
Bob- Rad Bad Bob wants to know, what's wrong with you?
Kat- I'm in my dark place, want a post card?
Bob- Yeah, sure.
Kat- That's so sad.
Stacey- Like, shut up. Your scaring him, Kat.
Kat- Wait 'til I'm in a good mood.
Stacey- Can't you just go sit over there?
Kat- Yes, I will go rot in the corner because I am a scab on humanity's forehead and am to be shunned like the criminal I am for being different. I will rot to death so you can get a date, Stacey.
Stacey- Thanks. You're, like, a life-saver- or some junk like that. So anyway. Rad.
Bob- Rad Bad Bob.
Stacey- Yeah. (to herself) like I care.
Kat- (Uses her hands to puppet their conversation)
Stacey- (Do you have a girlfriend?
Bob- Rad Bad Bob is a lone ranger?
Stacey- Is that a no?
Bob- That's a no.
Stacey- Like, Oh my God. I'm not dating either.
Kat- I wonder why.
Stacey- So, are you going to, like, aske me out- or some junk like that?
Bob- No.
Stacey- My life is ruined... I'm NOT attractive anymore. I'll never grow up to be a model and I'll have to live in the attic of a Wal*Mart.
Kat- It's like death.
Stacey- Why? Bob, Why?
Bob- Rad Bad Bob likes Blackie over there.
Kat- (Singing "flowers" while patting on a table like a bongo)
Stacey- (Running to Kat who continues to sing) You slut! You stole my man. Why Kat? Why? Why did you make this beautiful day a nightmare. Why do you persist in torturing me with that song after taking my only reason for living. Why?! Why?! Why?!
Kat- ...Death.
Stacey- (yelling) Well, I'll teach you! (Kat just watches as Stacey holds her breath until she collapses).
Bob- (Taking advantage of Kat and him being the only two awake, he runs over and kisses her) Rad Bad Bob wants you to be his wife, gurlfriend.
Kat- No, My only love is that darkness that spues out claws to eat the flesh off your back while it sings lullabies so that you wish it never were. My boyfriend is death. (Rolls on the "bongos")
...
